Heavy

The weight returned.  I am so tired and so worried about my job future and so ready for classes to be over.  And it is gray outside.

Monday

Since school started, I have struggled with a sense of sliding down into a depression.  One week I think it is inevitable (I have a history) and the next week I think maybe I'm okay.  Often a slump scares me because I worry that the slump turns into a slide and then I'm down in the gray abyss of a depression. 

This morning I woke up and felt a weight lifted.  I felt more clear headed than I have in two months.  I felt more productive (and therefore I was) and more able to cope (so I did).  For a Monday, it was a great day.

A hard job

It wasn't until I became a mother (of course) that I began to fully understand how hard a job that is.  To be so responsible for so much for someone so young.  And then when I became a single working parent (again, of course) I gained an ever fuller understanding of how hard the job was. 

This isn't to say that it is also the most wonderful job too.  It is wonderful, and stressful, and joyful, and messy, and fun.  And in the course of raising my three children (none of which were alike or had similar problems so I was constantly facing new issues), I really thought I had experienced most of the hard things. Broken bones, stitches, car accidents, drug use, bad boyfriends, strange and scary illnesses.

But watching my younger daughter grieve is one of the hardest things I've had to do.  It has only been six months since Dorian died.  For the most part she has been amazing.  I think, however, that she is doing well on the outer layers of her life but just a little below the surface, she is in pain.  So when she hits a road bump- like being sick, and having problems at work and it is the six month anniversary-she falls apart.  I pray all the time.  I pray that God helps me know how to care for my hurting child.  I pray that God help her move through this sadness and find solace in God's grace.  I pray...

Generations

My mom visited this weekend and we had a great time.  Friday night my son was off work and went with us to have pizza and watch the grandbaby entertain us.  My two daughters were there too and all of us enjoyed the evening. We managed to do it again on Sunday. To be honest, this is not the norm for us.  Usually there is discord.  We are not one of those families that are happy to be together every time we are together.

Except my kids put forth a little more effort around their grandmother.  She loves them and they love her right back.  She maintains great relationships with all of her grandchildren, not just the three that I gave. I know she doesn't always approve of all that they do but she manages to put that aside and shows her love, her pride and support.  They love her right back.

She is a good example for me to follow. 

Time Flies and Crawls

Life has been a little schizoid lately.  I can't believe that it is already the middle of October while I can't believe it is only the middle of October.  Maybe I'm the one with the problem.  Maybe it is because October has no holidays recognized by the university or because we have had constant rain.  Time crawls during the working hours.  Home after class, I turn around and it is midnight. 

Randomness

l. I'm fascinated by the whole subculture of Mormon mommy blogs.
2. Dining out with two chefs is different than dining out with non-chefs. Non-chefs don't worry about egg yolks.
3. One of the most tiring things in the world is an unchallenging, unengaging job.
4. People who sigh all the time drive me crazy.
5. My granddaughter fascinates me.
6.I am seriously addicted to my iphone apps.
7. Fall is a wonderful season.

C to G

Yesterday was the first graduation meeting. We heard from the deans and received a sheet of paper with all the important dates. I have a hard time believing that law school is almost over. It has been an amazing experience. The people I've met, the professors I've had, the ideas shared and the opportunities provided. I'm still unsure what I will do when I graduate. That will come. I'm going to enjoy this last year.

Sonshine

My son and I saw Brad Pitt's latest. Both the movie and company were superb!

Law school is meant to be challenging. But not all challenges have been intellectual. This is the stairwell in our main classroom building. It is smooth and slick with metal edging. Now imagine being loaded down with a rolling laptop case, backpack, and purse at 9:00 pm with a serious fear of falling up. Scary.

4E

Unsure as to whether to continue blogging, I took the last six weeks off. Then it hit me over the long weekend - this is my last year of law school. What better way to remember this last year than by writing about it.

To say that I have enjoyed law school would be an understatement. I have loved it and have felt truly blessed to have this opportunity. After losing one career, I really struggled to find my place. Going to law school provided me with a sort of "time out." I haven't had to know what I was going to do with my life because, well, I'm in law school. Right now I have a pretty good idea what I am going to be doing through the end of July 2010. After that, who knows.

I can almost make myself sick not having a job as an attorney already lined up. Deep in my heart, I would love to find the one perfect attorney position and work at it for the next 12 years. I'm also smart enough to know that probably won't happen and getting sick about it won't help. So I am trying to just really enjoy this last year.

Isn't that what we are supposed to do any way - enjoy life?

12, 7 and 1

Twelve years ago my life changed drastically. My older daughter and I had a fight and the resulting fallout sent me into a psychic meltdown. I have always suffered from depression but this time was bad. I took a leave from teaching. My mother came to stay with us (I still had two kids at home) and to help while I was treated. Last summer I suffered from anniversary anxiety and had a difficult time. This summer is so much better.

Seven years ago school started without me. My teaching career had imploded. I was hurting because I felt that teaching was my way to use my God-given gifts. I struggled to imagine a life of without students.

One year from now I will be studying for the bar. It is hard to imagine that I have just two semesters of law school left. The party is being planned. Not only to celebrate my law school graduation but to mark how far I've come from 12 and 7.

Recommendations

Two books -
Wednesday's Sisters
The Book Thief

Let me know what you think.

Sleepover at Grandma's

I've talked my daughter into an overnight visit to my house with the grandbaby. They and my grand-dog are coming Friday. I'm so looking forward to this and am planning the evening and the next morning just as I would if they were coming for out-of-town. We may have to stay up all night to get everything done.

First Try Bokeh

After having my camera (a digital Kodak Z-type) for over a year, I finally figured out how to change the aperture, shutter speed and anything else that could be changed. I think I've achieved bokeh!

Impressed & Distressed

Since the end of May (and until July 9th), I've had a second job. I'm the evening administrator for Barbri's bar exam review course. On an average night, there are 20-25 regulars. Occasionally we will have an influx of day students who want either to repeat a lesson or listen to one so they can skip a weekend.

With one year left and not being an auditory learner, I'm not really listening to the DVD lectures. Instead I watch the students and then read fiction (yes, books with plots instead of cases). Many of my evening students impress me.

One guy is preparing for a third time to take the bar exam. Last year he missed passing by one point! He always speaks to me and shares what he has learned about the exam and grading with anyone who asks. He impresses me. I'm not sure I would try again after two failures. He exemplies the saying that something is only a failing if it stops you from moving on. I'm hoping he passes.

There is an older attorney who is trying to regain his license. An woman who was an attorney in New York until she fell in love with a Texan. She has been a stay-at-home mom for the past eleven years and now that she is divorced, she wants to pass the Texas Bar. Another young woman also moved here for love after practicing in Alabama for five years. Texas requires a longer period before offering reciprocity.

Most of my evening regulars work a full day and then come to the class. And then go home and study. It is not an easy thing they do.

While most of the day students who visit the evening session are equally studious and industrious, there have been a group who seem to think they are entitled. They leave the door to the outside open anytime they leave or enter the building. They are loud. They throw things in the trash can from a distance and, when they miss, they leave their trash on the floor. What is distressing about this is that most of these students come from my law school!

After work today

I'm the evening administrator for the bar review course. It confuses the other people who show up every evening and Saturday afternoon because I'm not listening to the dvds. Since I have another year of law school and am not an auditory learner, I am catching up on fun reading and crossword puzzles.

Before work today I'm dropping stuff off at goodwill and going by Farmer's Market. Then after work, I'm working on my plants and my deck. I may add a water feature so I can have some of these.

Riddle me this

What do a dead fish and a handshake have in common?

Nothing!

So, Ladies, when you shake hands with someone, do not give them a dead fish. It is appropriate to give a nice, firm handshake.

And, unless you are the Queen, give your whole hand and not just a few wilted fingers.

A Love Affair - Plant version

I first fell in love with Rose Moss in Liberal, Kansas. My family moved there in the fall of 1958 when I was in the second grade. My parents bought their first house and painted it Sunset Coral. There was a small triangular flowerbed between the driveway, sidewalk and front steps. There my mother planted rose moss. The colors went with the house and I was enthralled with those tiny little roses. Today they fill the stone birdbath in my tiny yard and a little flower bed by the front door. If I could only have one plant, I'm pretty sure I would pick Rose Moss.

Changing places

Intellectually I know that a win-win solution is the best way to deal with problems. Emotionally, however, I prefer the win-lose method where I stand victorious over my opponent who agrees that I am right. Of course, having my foot on his chest helps him see the light. My son inherited this tendency and our clashes while he was growing up border on the frustrating/ridiculous side. We both liked to have the last word and we both wanted to win. At times I could be the mature one and disengage from this dynamic but, all to often, he would push my button and off we would go.

Once when he was about 8 or 9, I sent him to his room (which was across the hall from mine) and closed the door. I retreated to my room. He kept opening his door to say something and then he closed his door. This went on and on until I finally told him that if he did it one more time, he would lose his door. So of course he did it again and I removed the door.

About this same time, we had a conversation about his tendency to have the last word and he wanted to know what kind of job had the last word and I told him he would have to become a Supreme Court judge to have the last word. From that point on, his goal was to become a lawyer and then a judge. He joined the Explorer troop that worked with our city’s police department and attended the law magnet high school in our district.

Then he went to college and, for a variety of reasons, he became well-acquainted with drugs and alcohol. It was a dark few years for all of us but he came out of it with a new goal – a pastry chef. He is very talented and works hard.

Meanwhile I had a career change and now I’m the one in law school. I study and he brings me desserts to sample. Not a bad deal.

A-1

My grandmother quilted and crocheted her entire life. My grandfather created wooden toys for all of his grandchildren. My mother inherited this creativity. Some of my earliest memories are of her painting. My brother David was an artist. I have some talent and all three of my children are artistic. Here are some of my son’s creations –

He is a pastry chef for a high-end hotel/restaurant. When he lived with me, I loved to watch him draw out his ideas on his sketchpad. If you are a fan of Top Chef, you know how important “plating” is and it does not happen by accident.

I love this kind of art – it tastes so good.

Don't Walk There!

I love cemeteries, especially the older ones with great headstones. Growing up, we spent many Memorial Day weekends in the small cemetery in my dad's home town. My brothers, cousin Mike and I would run searching for the headstones with the little lambs and baby angels. My grandfather made a cement slab for one friend's grave and we would take turns lying on it. We kept a close eye out for my grandmother who would not have approved. She always warned us to be careful where we walked because it was disrespectful to walk on "someone." To this day, I still try to walk around the grave but in these new perpetual cemeteries, it can be hard to figure out exactly the pathway. I walk and hop my way through the spaces.

In the cemetery in my mother's home town, there is a small, rectangular marker, flat and even with the ground that reads "Poad Nash." I love that name and created this great story about some poor farmer who had lost his whole family to the "summer complaint" and became the town drunk. My maternal grandmother shot down that story by telling me he was just a hard-working bachelor farmer.

Also in that cemetery are the graves of my grandfather's infant brothers and sisters. I think there are five, six or seven buried there. My great-grandmother gave birth to one baby just a few days before the next older one died, only to lose the newborn a few months later. I always marvel over her strength to carry on.

My children grew up going to these old cemeteries as well as the one where my dad and brother are buried. And, for the three years I taught 5th grade, I would organize a day at the very small cemetery that served the early community our school was named after. The students studied math, family trees, creative writing, art with gravestone rubbings, and history surrounded by the dead.

I like to think I just passed on the love for these wonderful spaces. And, yes, I often found myself telling my kids or my students not to walk on there.

Reader'sDigest Mind

I grew up reading Reader's Digest. My parents subscribed. Both sets of grandparents subscribed. It was everywhere.

And it affected my mind. Besides developing my vocabulary and sense of humor, it caused me to be a plan-maker. Like in the event of a catastrophe plan-maker. Every issue contained a story about a horrific event where someone ordinary became a hero. I believed that if the horrific event could happen to one person, it could happen to me or my family and I needed to be prepared to be the hero(ine). I really can't remember a time when I wasn't worried about something horrible happening. Not that I constantly and only worried about "bad stuff" but I did think about things.

I still make plans. My kids laugh at me because I almost always have a plan A and, at least, a plan B. Without much effort I can develop Plan C.

About a year ago, I finally stopped worrying about scary stuff. The mental light bulb came on and I realized that I have been married, divorced, raised three children with all the joys and heartaches associated with that, found jobs, ended a career, started a new career, lost a brother and a father, started law school, suffered a psychic break, and survived a terrible car accident. I finally felt confident that I had enough experience "dealing" that I could handle whatever life threw at me. Or if I couldn't, I had enough people in my life who could and would help me. A 50-year weight fell off my shoulders.

I still make plans. Wouldn't want my talent to go to waste!

Baby love

This Big! And full of love.

Rainy Saturday

A rainy Saturday with not much to do is one of my favorite kind of day. As the day stretches out before me, I feel relaxed and peaceful. Unrushed.
A new book awaits finishing. Saved TV shows ready for viewing. My plants receive water without me doing anything and the temperature cools my home without the use of A/C.

This is the first Saturday that I have felt this rested and peaceful. Let the rain come down.

Six down, two to go!

Even though I have to finish my two papers, I'm still counting this semester as "done"! And not a moment too soon. It amazes me that I have only two semesters left. This time three years ago I still floated over the fact that I had been accepted to law school and this time next year, I will graduate. I'm going to enjoy this next year.

Beautiful

Dear NieNie,

If it is possible for a complete stranger to love another complete stranger, then I love you. We have never met and I only know you through your blog and your sister's blog AC. Being new to the blogging world, I was amazed at how clear and distinct your voices were in your blog. I have faithfully followed your recovery and CJane's life ever since. Your last blog truly touched me. I know your physical appearance has suffered great injury. What came through in your last entry and what infused all of your entries BC was the beauty and joy and spirit of your soul. You truly personify true beauty.

Love me.

P.S. If you have not read NieNie blog, go here - http://www.nieniedialogues.blogspot.com/ and then try Cjane enjoy it.

The Former Leader of the Free World

Today I shook hands with former President George W. Bush. We even had a "moment" where we talked about Midland. His wife and I graduated from the same high school.

Cliches

Growing up, my parents shielded my brothers and I from death. When I was 8, four cousins died in a truck/car accident but my parents thought we were too young (I was the oldest) to go to the funeral. When my dad's father died, we were living in Venezuela and it was too expensive for all of us to travel back to the States so my dad went alone. My most vivid memory of this time is seeing my dad open a suitcase full of Christmas presents for Customs. My great-grandfather died at the end of my first year of college and, since my brothers were still in school, my parents left me in charge and went alone to Kansas for the funeral.

The first funeral I attended was for my husband's boss who died of lung cancer. I was almost 27 years old.

In the thirty years since then I have attended my fair share of funerals - grandparents, my brother, my father, a student, a co-worker, and several close friends. I know grief is hard and long and unpredictable. I know that when you lose someone you truly love, the missing of that person never completely disappears. There is both healing and pain in that.

I believe in grace and salvation and eternal life and am certain I will be reunited with all those whom I have loved and lost.

My son has never really recovered from my father's death. The two of them had been watching TV together and as my son left the room, my dad gasped and suffered a stroke. For far too many years, my son believed that if he had stayed with my dad, his grandfather wouldn't have died. It has been hard to watch my son struggle with this.

Watching my daughter grieve over the death of her boyfriend is one of the most difficult things I've done. In two days it will be three weeks since he died. Grief is grimy. I shower twice a day and am constantly washing my hands and brushing my death, attempting to clear away the gray film of grief and of helplessness. I cannot take her pain away. All I can do is watch, pray and be available. She must find her way through her pain. I know she will do it and I know it will take time. It is still hard.

A slow return

Viewing - done
Funeral - done
Out-of-town guest leaving - in process
Throwing out excess food - done
Making to-do list for upcoming week - done

I know that the only way to return from deep grief is to pray and slowly return to a routine and schedule. My daughter is going to work tomorrow. The baby will be in day care. Tomorrow night I will sleep in my own bed. As much as we would like for time to stand still while the grief is so raw, it doesn't and that is a blessing. As much as my daughter grieves over her baby growing up without her father, it is a blessing that the baby will grow up and learn new things that will help my daughter find a way to see the future.

This is a sad time. An end to something that was never complete. And a beginning of something that was never dreamed.

Random thoughts

Yesterday was hard. Today is too.

For years I've kept a list of things that are hard for mothers to do. Stuff like having children in the hospital and sending them to kindergarten were early entries. Then my brother died so I added having a child die to the list. Then my children became drivers and I have very strong opinions about riding in the car with someone you birthed. That was added to the list. Then watching kids find their way and make poor decisions and trying not to say something found their way to the list.

Now I have a new item. Watching your child grieve over the death of her boyfriend and the father of her child. This is hard. I know that as much help and support I and others can give my daughter, she still must walk this path alone with God's help. Her grief is hers.

Right now I'm remembering passages from Anne Lamott's books. "Right, left. Breathe" is one that helps. Then another about hoping a child can find grace in the midst of hardship. I pray that my daughter can find this.

Tragedy

My daughter's boyfriend and the father of my beautiful granddaughter died this morning. He was the cause of a horrific car wreck and was killed upon impact. The baby turns 1 tomorrow. Please pray for my daughter.

This afternoon

She is coming to see me at work.

Then I get to take her home with me where we will play, read and splash in the bath.

On Saturday I will have her most of the day (I wish all of my daughter's friends would get married and ask her to be a bridesmaid!).

Cannot wait!

4/1/09

As a follow-up to yesterday's post about my brother, I thought I'd share a few of his jokes.

When we lived in Venezuela, David received a bow and a set of steel-tipped arrows (wouldn't happen today) for his 10th birthday. He and my younger brother went out to the open field behind the houses to try them out. A few minutes later my dad went to check on the "boys" and found...David shooting the arrows up in the sky and ordering my younger brother to try to catch them as they came down.

Both of my brothers were high school track stars. (My younger brother was a college track star until he fell in love and dropped out.) David ran cross-country in the fall and would take his practice runs on the less-populated country roads. He ran on the edge of the road (no shoulders, just ditches on either side of the road) and when a car would pass him, he would jump and fall down in the ditch. Most of the time, the car stopped and then backed up to check on the "body." David waited until the car was almost to him and then he jumped up and ran off in the opposite direction.

David's older two kids are the same ages as my younger two. My nephew is three weeks younger than my son and my niece is six months older than my daughter. For Halloween when my niece was almost 18 months old, she showed up outside my parents front door, completely naked and in a pair of her dad's cowboy boots - "puss in boots"!

David's younger son was born in Michigan and in January. To introduce the new fellow to the family, David send a video of the kids and him sledding. The two older kids were in the front and David appeared to be holding the new baby and sitting on the back of the sled. As they came down the hill, they hit a bump and, all of a sudden, the baby is flying in the air and lands in the snow. When we saw that, we all gasped. Then David picked up the baby and unwrapped the blanket to show us it was just a doll. His grin reached from ear-to-ear.

David

Here's the thing - today is my brother's birthday. Just sixteen months separated our birthdays. I was the big sister. He was the middle child but the first son. I'm not sure I can describe what I was like as a child but I can describe David. He lived an adventuresome life filled with great humor. Before he could talk, he wandered off and picked up by the police. As my dad rushed home to help look for David, he passed the patrol car with his son standing up beside the police officer. He was fine. I was scarred. I was the responsible older sister and he made that job difficult. Not because he resented me but because he didn't have to be responsible. Our family has many "David" stories which make us all laugh.

We were close and yet not. After we came back from Venezuela, David repeated a grade which put three years between us. I was a senior when he was a freshman. He always had friends while I was much more shy and reserved.

David died twenty years ago this June. Even in death, he made people laugh. At the first viewing when my mother, David's wife and my younger daughter were standing by the casket, we began to hear a beeping sound coming from my brother. The alarm on his watch went off. We laughed because that was just something he would have done.

Time helps with grief. The hurt and loss dulls and time passes without constantly having to remember. He would have been 56 today. I wonder if we would have grown closer as we aged.
I wonder if maybe we would have become friends. I wonder and, today, I miss him.

First Day of Law School

I'm still working on my two papers. Or reworking them. I'm determined to have them finished by Tuesday.

Friday another 3E and I served as chief justices for the 1L's preparation for their moot court. Helping these first years reminded me of my first year and how it was both exhilarating and stressful most of the time.

I should have known it was going to be that way by my first day of classes.

Orientation came two days before the start of class. Free meals and encouragement made those two evenings pleasurable. Then classes started. I left work early to make sure I had plenty of time to make it to class. I had my books, laptop, new highlighters and post-it flags. Before entering the class, I stopped at the restroom. Now this building was pretty old and the bathroom definitely showed its age. I really didn't think too much about as I entered one of the stalls, closed and clicked the door lock, and did what I needed to do. After I finished, I moved the door lever to the open position but it did not move. I was stuck in the stall!

I kept moving that little lever back and forth while pulling on the stall door. The door refused to budge. I was locked in the stall. I kept at it but to no avail. I had my new suit on so crawling under the door was going to be my last option. Plus how would that look to someone coming in.
The sweats started. I dug through my purse for something to use as a tool.

There is a reason I carry a Swiss Army knife. I pulled it out and used the larger blade to slip the bar all the way to the open position. Success! Now free and thankful that no one had entered the restroom during my struggle, I headed off to class. It could only be uphill after that start.

In my fridge

Two gallons of a water and orange juice mixture plus a gallon of orange juice. This is the secret elixir of my weight loss.

Two Questions

On every personality quiz I've ever taken, I am an introvert. Years of being "shy" made this no surprise to me. Although I have learned how to cope in extroverted settings, I love being home alone with my books, Suduko and TV. I know all the rules for meeting new people but it is still something I dread. I prefer to observe other people meeting the new person and then take some time to decide if I want to know the new person. One, no two, reasons introductions are hard are the questions.

l. Is that your real name?

My first name is unusual. It is only 4 letters long and is easy but no one gets it the first time. For many years, I used to automatically spell my name after I introduced myself. I don't do that as often and once I tell people it is like oklaHOMA and not Houma, Louisiana, they get it. (Except for the Iranians who know what it is right away but then I have to explain that I'm not of Persian descent) Then they want to know if that is my real name. I've never really figured that out. If I were to pick a nickname, don't you think I'd go for something easy and common and that didn't need a geographical explanation?

2. Where are you from?

After 57 years, I still don't have a good answer for this. I'm not really from anywhere specific. My parents lived in a small northern Kansas town when I was born but I was born in the northern Oklahoma town (and no, I wasn't named after the state) where my parents had lived for the first six months of my mother's pregnancy. I never lived in the town where I was born. My parents moved around quite a bit after my dad stopped teaching and began working in the oil field. Until I was married, the two places where we lived the longest was the Halliburton camp in Venezuela and Hays, Kansas. I've been in Texas over 40 years now and in the DFW area for almost 29 years but I am not now or ever will be a Texan. So most of the time, my answer to this question is "Western Kansas"

By the time I finish with these two questions, I need a rest.

Steppin'

I did it! I walked 10,000 steps today.

Maturity

Spring Break ended last night which means classes resumed today. On MW I have one class that begins at 7:50. Usually I stay on campus because if I come home, I don't want to go back out. So I just try to avoid the temptation. Tonight, however, I came home, ate dinner, changed out of my work clothes and into my jeans, set the dvr and then WENT BACK for my class.

Spring Planting

For the first time in my life I bought two plants that will produce edible products. Two small jalapeno pepper plants help me enter the world of gardening. I also bought two lavender plants and mint. Plus marigolds, hens and chickens, and a dusty miller. I still have the fountain and the front patch to plant. I also have two large clay pots that I am going to use for my first foray in container gardening. On my fence hang several planters but I'm not quite sure what to do with them. This face belongs to a terracotta planter hanging on my
fence but I'm not quite sure what to plant in her. I don't want to detract from her medieval qualities.


The area I have to plant is just about the right size for me. I have a small deck and then a small yard. I don't want to put down anything permanent so I'm content with containers. I am thinking about a rose plant, just to see if I can do that. Rose moss goes in the fountain, unless I decide on begonias. Then the rose moss will go in the front garden patch. Many of my plants from last year survived so I moved them to the deck. Just in time for the torrential downpour we've had for four days. I don't think any of them drowned but will have to wait and see. I also bought some seeds and can't wait to plant them. It has been a long time since I planted any seeds.

I just hope they all live.

Bridge Ladies Rock

My friends, the Bridge Ladies, came to my house last night. Joy, happiness and laughter filled my small home. Bridge Ladies rock!

Scary Jesus

I grew up with images of Jesus as a man with flowing golden brown hair and beard, blue eyes and very WASPish face. While I know now that this is neither culturally or politically correct, it is still my go-to image.

At our church, there is a new image of Jesus made available to the young people. It is a huge statute of him in a paved garden area with a water feature behind him. The statute was placed first and it was gigantic. Everyone said it would be in proportion once the hardscape and landscape was built around him. It is still huge. To me the statute looks more like Gandolf from

the Lord of the Rings. Any way, let me present "Scary Jesus!"

After listening to the California Supreme Court's hearing on the validity of proposition 8 and/or gay marriages (whichever way you want to look at it) off and on yesterday. And then discussing it in one my law classes, I have something to say on the subject.

Granting the right to have a marriage to a gay couple is not a threat to the traditional notion of marriage.

Divorce is.

And if you think that by preventing gay couples from marrying, you will not have discuss such relationships with your children, you are wrong. Gay couples raising children is a fact of life now and will be part of your children's future. I think it would be better to raise children to believe that when you love someone, you formally commit to a life together.

End of 2 and beginning of 3

When I woke on Sunday, I felt a sense of peace and joy that I had again survived February. February has always been my least favorite month. Not because I'm single and February is the "love month" (I love Valentine's Day) but because I am almost always broke by the time February rolls around. My children have birthdays in November (1) and January (2) which bookcase Christmas. My mother's birthday is also in January. This year I had a granddaughter to buy for - in fact, she may have been the only one to receive store-bought gifts. I made most of my gifts this year but supplies cost. Now that I am in law school and working for the university, I pay taxes on my tuition benefits out of my last six pay checks of 2008. (I know, I am going to feel so good when I graduate without law school debt!) Joyful, peaceful and grateful that another February had been survived.

My happiness lasted until my Sunday school class reminded me that DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME starts on Sunday.

Ugh! It takes me days (weeks) to adjust the springing forward. So I am going to be really happy until 2:00 am March 8th.

How to Go to Law School in your 50's

l. Have a career you love end.

2. In therapy try to come up with Plan B. And pray

3.Go to paralegal school.

4.Get hired by a major law firm as a legal assistant.

5.Realize after 6 months you don't really know the law.

6. Have a young associate suggest law school.

7. Go to an orientation for the evening program at nearest law school.

8. Audit a class to see if it is like Paper Chase

9. Notice three students in front of you - one is playing solitaire on his laptop and the other two are IM'ing each other.

10. Decide that you can at least do that much.

11. Keep your plans secret. Except in prayer

11. Study for the LSAT on your own because the classes cost too much. Pray.

12. Take the LSAT. Pray

13. Wait for scores. Still praying

14. Scores are good enough to justify the application fee.

15. Ask for two reference letters.

16. Complete application and struggle with one essay but therapist helps. So does praying

17. Send in application and check.

18. Wait two months for acceptance.

19. Acceptance letter doesn't come when expected.

20. Wait one more day and then call admissions.

21. Name is on the list - accepted! Pray gratitude

22. Wait two more days - still no letter so call again just to verify you heard right.

23. Put away the Peace Corps brochures.

24. Begin floating! And praying.

Beginning of irony

The day I received my parking permit for here (law school garage), I also recieved my membership card for AARP!

From the Single File - WOW socks

I bought myself a pack of six pair of white crew socks. New white socks always reminds me of the difficult time I had keeping my own socks while raising my three kids.

My first two children are two years apart and then the space between my middle child and my last child is two years and ten months. So they spent much of the growing up involved in the same activities. All three of them played soccer in the spring and base/softball in the summer and eventually came a period where they (and I) could all wear the same size socks. I bought the twelve pack of white long crew socks with the idea that we could each have three pair.

Somehow I never ended up with clean white socks. The ones the kids wore had ground-up dirt from the fields and I didn't especially want to wear those, even after they had been washed in bleach. The next time I bought a twelve pack, I wrote MOM in big, black permanent marker letters on the sole of my three pair. I figured no tween and young teen would want to wear MOM socks. My socks still disappeared! I looked through the laundry, the sock orphanage, and then began to ask if any of the three had my socks. All of them denied it. It was a mystery.

I kept looking and asking but my MOM socks were no where to be found. Until one evening, when we were finally home from the games and the kids were cleaning up. My older daughter was in the shower and my son was on the sofa. He had taken off his shoes, placing them carefully side-by-side in the middle of the living room, and was clicking through the TV channels.

My younger daughter walked through and then called, "Mom, I found your socks." I stepped out of the kitchen to see her pointing to her brother's feet. He had on my MOM socks.

"Why are you wearing my socks?"

"I'm not," he replied with great confidence. "I'm wearing my socks."

"No, you have on my MOM socks."

He looked at his feet and then he said, "I thought it said WOW for being a great player."

He kept the socks.

Steppin'

For the first week of my new diet/lifestyle changes, we weren't to start an exercise regime. After two days, I know why. Drinking the water/oj mixture all day long leads to many trips to the restroom. Just today I've walked over 7000 steps and I know most of those were to go to the restroom!

Someone else taking important steps is the Baby. She took her first steps today. I can't wait to see her.

New Start

One thing I miss about teaching is the number of times you can start new. There is the traditional New Year's Day but then, if you teach high school kids as I did, there are the start of two new semesters. I probably made more resolutions for the start of the new terms than I did for the new year.

Today I am making another new start. For the first time in my life, I am participating in a weight-loss/redesign your life program. My employer is sponsoring (and paying) for this and I was one of the ones who was accepted into the program. The instructor made a great deal of sense and I really feel that this program will work for me. I would like to lose all the weight that I've gained over the last twenty years and return to a more attractive size and a more active lifestyle.

After all, I have a granddaughter to watch grow!

Baby Love

This little one is ten months old. She is amazing and has already worked miracles in her short life. She has brought family members closer together. The joy she has added to my own life is immeasurable. Being a grandmother to this child is such a gift.

Already behind

Classes started 1/8. I missed two days (3 classes) due to illness and then 3 days (5 classes) to be with my mother following her surgery. This weekend I am playing catch-up. For my writing class, I have to read all of the handouts from the last two weeks plus working on my project so I can talk intelligently about it on Tuesday. Plus reading in my two other classes.

Then as is wont to be, I have social engagements this weekend. I go weeks in between my social activities and then cram them all into one short period. Tomorrow is a brunch with my bridge group and a former member. Tomorrow night I babysit my granddaughter (may sound like a true social engagement but it is one of the best kinds). On Sunday I have church and then a small belated birthday celebration for my son.

Strangely enough, I will get more done with this kind of schedule than if all I had to do was study. I kind of need the adrenaline rush of having too much to do in too short of time. Way more challenging. It makes more aware of how critical it is that I use my time well. When all I have to do is study, I keep thinking I have so much time that I postpone any real work. It is the same way with housework. If that is all I have to do, well, it won't get done. But if I have other work to do then everything gets done.

Hello

I've decided to join the blogging world. I've spent the last several months avidly reading blogs and I think I can do this. Do I think people will find me interesting? Not sure but I know that my life keeps me busy. I'm a fifty-seven law student, former teacher, Methodist, emancipated mother of three grown children, grandmother of one, administrative assistant, daughter, friend, reader, movie-goer, and TV-fan. My life is not what I thought it would be but several years ago a fight with my older daughter rocked my world and then six years ago, my teaching career imploded. Major therapy ensued and finally after years of wanting my life back - of trying to get the new pieces to go into the old puzzle. I realized that what I really wanted was a new puzzle. Since then I have been reinventing my life. Law school helps me filter the burdens from my life. The times when I think I'm going to wake up on the Jerry Springer show come less often. Life is good.