Cliches

Growing up, my parents shielded my brothers and I from death. When I was 8, four cousins died in a truck/car accident but my parents thought we were too young (I was the oldest) to go to the funeral. When my dad's father died, we were living in Venezuela and it was too expensive for all of us to travel back to the States so my dad went alone. My most vivid memory of this time is seeing my dad open a suitcase full of Christmas presents for Customs. My great-grandfather died at the end of my first year of college and, since my brothers were still in school, my parents left me in charge and went alone to Kansas for the funeral.

The first funeral I attended was for my husband's boss who died of lung cancer. I was almost 27 years old.

In the thirty years since then I have attended my fair share of funerals - grandparents, my brother, my father, a student, a co-worker, and several close friends. I know grief is hard and long and unpredictable. I know that when you lose someone you truly love, the missing of that person never completely disappears. There is both healing and pain in that.

I believe in grace and salvation and eternal life and am certain I will be reunited with all those whom I have loved and lost.

My son has never really recovered from my father's death. The two of them had been watching TV together and as my son left the room, my dad gasped and suffered a stroke. For far too many years, my son believed that if he had stayed with my dad, his grandfather wouldn't have died. It has been hard to watch my son struggle with this.

Watching my daughter grieve over the death of her boyfriend is one of the most difficult things I've done. In two days it will be three weeks since he died. Grief is grimy. I shower twice a day and am constantly washing my hands and brushing my death, attempting to clear away the gray film of grief and of helplessness. I cannot take her pain away. All I can do is watch, pray and be available. She must find her way through her pain. I know she will do it and I know it will take time. It is still hard.