I Am

A person who suffers from depression.  Major Depression Disorder to be exact and it has had a hold on me for the last eight weeks.  Not fun. Not fun at all. Most of the time some external conflict triggers my depression but this time it was just me.  We (my doctor and I) thought I was doing so well eight weeks ago that we would try reducing one of my medicines.  The one that causes weight gain and we were going to start small, like 13 mg small.  After the first week I knew something was wrong but thought I needed more time to adjust to the smaller dose.  By the end of the second week, I heard voices and went right back on my regular dose.  Things did not improve (except I stopped hearing voices).  My doctor and therapist couldn't make sense of how bad I continued to feel.  So I visited my family doctor's PA and found out my thyroid wasn't working.  That was two weeks ago.  Since then I have been on my regular dose of antidepressants plus an slight increase in one plus Ambien plus synthroid plus an antibiotic because I also have a kidney infection. 

Monday I knew I was improving.  Tuesday dawned joyous and remained that way.  Wednesday I couldn't stay awake and Thursday I felt a little desperate.  Today was better - not as good as Tuesday but better than the other days.  I hope I continue on the uphill climb.

Generations

My children are very close to my mother.  In fact, Grackie (as they call her) has a very special place in the hearts of all of her grandchildren.  She deserves it because she has unconditionally loved all of them.  Now there are great-grandchildren and, while I cannot speak for the ones in Georgia, I know that her Texas grandchild is equally in love with her.  All trips for Kadyn are "trips to Grackie" and she is so excited when she finally is at Grackie's house.  They have their own little games they play - like picking up rocks in the front yard and stacking the green marble coasters. 

I'm glad these three are in my life.

Roller Coaster Again

Great job opportunity is back on!  If you know me, you will understand that this kind of stuff seems to be normal for me. 

Onward and Upward

For one week, I had my post-law school dream job. Then the offer was rescinded but in such a way that I am still optimistic. Can't wait to see what comes next.

Heavy

The weight returned.  I am so tired and so worried about my job future and so ready for classes to be over.  And it is gray outside.

Monday

Since school started, I have struggled with a sense of sliding down into a depression.  One week I think it is inevitable (I have a history) and the next week I think maybe I'm okay.  Often a slump scares me because I worry that the slump turns into a slide and then I'm down in the gray abyss of a depression. 

This morning I woke up and felt a weight lifted.  I felt more clear headed than I have in two months.  I felt more productive (and therefore I was) and more able to cope (so I did).  For a Monday, it was a great day.

A hard job

It wasn't until I became a mother (of course) that I began to fully understand how hard a job that is.  To be so responsible for so much for someone so young.  And then when I became a single working parent (again, of course) I gained an ever fuller understanding of how hard the job was. 

This isn't to say that it is also the most wonderful job too.  It is wonderful, and stressful, and joyful, and messy, and fun.  And in the course of raising my three children (none of which were alike or had similar problems so I was constantly facing new issues), I really thought I had experienced most of the hard things. Broken bones, stitches, car accidents, drug use, bad boyfriends, strange and scary illnesses.

But watching my younger daughter grieve is one of the hardest things I've had to do.  It has only been six months since Dorian died.  For the most part she has been amazing.  I think, however, that she is doing well on the outer layers of her life but just a little below the surface, she is in pain.  So when she hits a road bump- like being sick, and having problems at work and it is the six month anniversary-she falls apart.  I pray all the time.  I pray that God helps me know how to care for my hurting child.  I pray that God help her move through this sadness and find solace in God's grace.  I pray...