Pieces to a New Puzzle

Happy Valentine's Day

2012-02-14T12:43:00.000-06:00

As someone who has been single for a very long time, I refuse to allow this day to just belong to pairs. I love the people in my life. I love myself. I urge all women to find a way to celebrate this day of love. Here are my suggestions:
l. Go get a massage or a pedicure or a manicure;
2.Buy a new book (my personal favorite);
3.Go to a movie;
4.Buy yourself a new item of clothing; or
5. Buy yourself flowers and candy.

Or do something for a friend or family member who is also alone on this day. Celebrate your friendship. Love doesn't belong to Twos!

Now I'm off to treat myself.

Protests

2012-02-07T17:43:00.000-06:00

I firmly believe in our American right to support or protest whatever we wish. I refuse to buy pizza from Domino's because they fund anti-abortion groups. The only time I shop at Walmart is when I am in Alva, Oklahoma because I really don't like its treatment of its female employees. When my kids were growing up, I protested Shania Twayne's song "Any Man of Mine" on the grounds of reverse sexism.

I also don't have a problem trying to enlist others to your position. In this new world of social media, this tactic runs the risk of being abusive. One of my relatives frequently posts about the lack of prayer in school, groups trying to get rid of "In God We Trust" references on our money and government buildings. And these posts usually end with something like "if you are a Christian, repost." Another friend who is Catholic frequently posts anti-abortion, anti-gay marriage messages and ends with a message similar to my relative. Another friend is currently on a rampage against Mitt Romney who is not "Christian" while also bashing Obama for not being "American."

For the most part, I ignore these posts. Facebook and Twitter are not the best places to engage in meaningful dialogue about our differences. Plus these are just four friends. I feel compelled, however, to take a position after last week's Susan G. Komen/Planned Parenthood uproar. I am a liberal Christian. I voted for Obama because there was no way I would vote for Sarah Palin. I would love the opportunity to vote for a woman but refuse to vote for one that is not qualified. I support a woman's right to choose. I have had three children whom I cherish. I just don't think anyone should be forced to be pregnant against their will. If you don't want to have an abortion, don't. If you don't want others to have one, maybe your efforts should be go to better birth control, better sex education and harsher penalties for men who sexually abuse women. I don't have a problem with "God" being on our money or our government buildings as long as everyone continues to enjoy the right to practice believing in whatever. I think adultery is a bigger threat to the institution of marriage than gay marriages. Really, shouldn't we support people being committed to one another no matter what. Prayer still exists in schools. I just don't think state employees (teachers) should be involved in leading it. I don't think Muslim students, Hindu students Wiccan students, atheist students should be forced to listen to a Christian prayer just as I don't Christian students to be led in prayer 5 times a day by their Muslim teacher.

I think people would be better served by seeking an way to increase love and acceptance in the world instead of trying to draw tiny boxes that separate people.

Food and Chefs

2012-01-31T15:34:00.000-06:00

About a year ago, I visited my mother and we took my son and his girlfriend out to eat. A new restaurant had opened in my mother's hometown and she was eager to try it out. My son ordered lamb. Lamb! His order stunned me because (a) I have never eaten lamb; (2) I have never fed anyone, much less any of my children lamb [I never bought the gross baby food lamb meat sticks because I didn't want to risk my children liking lamb; and (3) I did not know my son liked lamb.

Now to say I have "food issues" stands as a grand understatement. Much to my mother's dismay, I have only become more rigid as I have aged. Now that I'm sixty, I'm no longer interested in "trying" new foods. If I haven't eaten something by now, it is because I don't want it. And growing up, my son was the pickiest eater of my three kids. If it hadn't been for pizza, peanut butter and cheese, he wouldn't have survived. So for him to order lamb was a big deal.

But my son now lives in a world centered around food. Andy is a pastry chef and is in love with Monica, another chef. They live, work and breath food all the time. My son's current job (go Uchiko Austin) allows him to play with in the world of molecular gastronomy, creating desserts with descriptions like "lemon sorbet honey-miso cream gingerbread soil fennel fronds mint crispy yellow beets." About as far away from hot fudge lava cake with vanilla ice cream as one can get. Savory desserts is the trend in fine dining and my son embraces this movement.

His girlfriend, Monica, works on the savory side for Chef Bull in his new restaurants in Austin. Monica and Andy are amazing people who love what they do. They both have worked for some of the premier chefs in Texas and are very knowledgeable. They try new foods, new techniques, new restaurants much like I try a new author or a new TV show.

In honor of my son's birthday, let me illustrate how their worlds are so very different from mine. While they still lived in Dallas, I took them to eat at Rise, a restaurant specializing in souffles. We had wine with our appetizers and then ordered three savory souffles (so they could try different flavors) and also placed our order for three dessert souffles (again so they could share. I'm not really into sharing food.) We talked about the decor and the general location of the restaurant when all of a sudden, my son asked, "I wonder what they do with the egg yolks?"

Now egg yolks never cross my mind unless I'm frying an egg and want to make sure the yolk is not runny. I know souffles are tricky to make and one must be careful that they don't "fall" but I had no idea what role egg yolks play in souffles.

Andy and Monica, however, proceeded to have quite a spirited discussion about egg yolks. Did the restaurant buy whole eggs and throw the yolks out? Or did they just buy egg whites? If they bought whole eggs, what else could they do with the yolks? By this time I had figured out that our souffles were made with just the egg whites which is why Andy and Monica were so interested in the yolks.

Now most of my dinner conversations stay within the sphere of my table and with my dining companions. Again it is different eating with chefs. When the waiter came by, Andy asked him what the restaurant did with egg yolks. This young man looked completely baffled by the question. The next thing I knew, the chef/owner of the restaurant stood by our table explaining that he bought whole eggs and used the yolks in the breads and some of the souffles. They then discussed chef's jackets and menu design. By the end of the discussion, the three of them were pleased and I had finished my chocolate souffle without having to share. Win all around!

Happy Birthday, Son!

Tools

2012-01-24T15:20:00.000-06:00

I love tools. If given a choice between a hardware store and a dress shop, I choose the hardware store every time. I'm a sucker for drill bit sets and love the new cordless power tools. Someday I'm going to own my own nail gun.

This love of tools came early. My dad could fix and build just about anything around the house. In fact, he built our first TV while he was in college. He also excelled at drafting my brothers and me as his helpers. ( I understand grunts because of this.) He believed that if something broke, a person should at least try to fix it before calling a repairman.

This philosophy stood me in good stead when I became a single parent and responsible for the upkeep of our home. I followed his advice and that of a Reader's Digest book on home repair and tackled almost every job in the house. I can fix and install garbage disposals, snake out any type of drain, repair the innards of a toilet, take apart a dryer and put it back together, hang doors, repair sheetrock, tape and bed sheetrock, paint, hang wallpaper, lay tile, and handle minor car maintenance. Once I took the spring off of a garage door before I realized that it could be a little dangerous. I can work on electrical appliances but I've never worked on outlets, even with the current off. I will at least try almost any job. My younger daughter owns a house and I'm thinking I might pour concrete this summer for a small patio. My dad was an ace at concrete.

All three of my children can handle tools. My older daughter is the least interested and probably has the least need. My son is quite capable but he probably has the least time to spend on home repairs and/or improvements. My younger daughter, on the other hand, proudly follows her
grandfather's example. She recently bought a new washer, hauled it home and installed it herself. She then took the knobs off her old washer and transferred them to her dryer before kicking the old washer to the curb.

Not too long ago she snaked out a toy comb from the toilet in her daughter's bathroom. And she learned the trick of using a potato to twist out part of a broken light bulb from the socket. In college, she was her group's auto expert because she could install a new battery at the drop of a hat. She even wore her safety vest.

And now a third fourth generation seems to share this same love. My three-and-a-half year old granddaughter plays with her wooden toy set for hours when she is at my house. I have a lightweight hammer that she can use when we do "real" work. She can use a screwdriver correctly but I have to watch her because she likes to use it on all sorts of things. She wields a wicked pair of clippers when we work outside.

She concentrates on her work with her tongue between her teeth. Again just following the family tradition.

Refrigerator genetics

2012-01-18T13:17:00.000-06:00

Mr. Darnell taught my 10th grade biology class where I first became fascinated by Mendel and his peas. And until my fruit flies died my freshman year of college, I wanted to be a genetic researcher. After the fruit flies, I decided I didn't want a career that might be dependent on insects and spent in basement labs but I never really gave up my fascination for genetics. I still use what I know as a diversion when I'm in class that fails to hold my attention. I decide on a set number of couples stranded on a deserted island then figure out how many generations it would take before everyone was related to everyone else.

While I think mapping the human genome is a wonderful thing and learning the genetic roots of many diseases, I think it might be time to check out how genetics might affect more social/personal issues. Take for example, the refrigerator.

I take a bare minimalist view to my refrigerator. I like to be able to see everything as well as the shelves. Everyone else in my family seem to love a full to the brim refrigerator. I approach their refrigerators with dread because I never know where something will be and how much I may have to move before I find what I wanted and there is always the risk of finding something distasteful that they have saved. (Distasteful due to my own food issues, not that they don't keep a clean refrigerator!) Now before you point out that I live alone and need only food for one person while the other refrigerators may serve families, please know that my mother keeps and my grandmother kept a full refrigerator after being widowed.

So is there a genetic connection that makes hunting in a refrigerator abhorrent to me? A recessive gene that found its place within my being. Is it connected to the gene that makes me feel no redeeming virtue in cleaning my house? When my mother, daughter, aunt, and cousin all exclaim how good it makes them feel when their house is clean, all I can think of is how much time was wasted. Just as there are genetic combinations that lead to blue eyes instead of brown, maybe there is also a genetic combination that leads to reading instead of cleaning. Just as I can't roll my tongue or whistle, I could blame my needing a clear view inside my refrigerator to the recessive genes of my parents.

Lottery Logic

2012-01-10T14:34:00.000-06:00

I play the lottery. Just the Texas Lotto on Wednesdays and Saturdays and not every Wednesday and Saturday. My purchase must conform to my own guiding principles.

l. I play when I'm really struggling or really thriving. I think about the post-win interview and think these two situations offer the best scenarios. "Gosh, I really wasn't sure if I could make it to the end of the month and then I won the lottery!" Or "Life is wonderful. I have a great job, family and friends so winning the lottery is like the cherry on top of the sundae!" If things are horrible, I don't play and if life is just okay, I don't play. The interviews wouldn't be as good.

2. I play a set of numbers that I've used for years. Obviously these are not my lucky numbers since I've never won anything with them. If I stopped playing them and they hit, I'd feel a fool.

3. To balance out my personal set of numbers, I buy a quick pick (where the computer gives me the numbers) because I read that quick picks win more often. I usually pay for one quick pick since all it takes is one to win. When I'm feeling really lucky, I buy a second one.

4. Going back to the interview scenario, I never say I don't know what I will do with all that money or that it wouldn't change me. I always know how I will spend/donate/invest every cent of the jackpot. And, while I don't think it will change my personality or my relationships, I hope it will change my lifestyle, my travel opportunities and my retirement. Why play if there weren't going to be changes?

5. When the jackpot reaches crazy amounts ($100+ million), I don't play. Such amounts just seem beyond the realm of dreams and I'm not willing to compete with the people who spend huge amounts of money on tickets. Of course, I mentally work the math so I know how I would be use the money. Just to keep in practice.

Starbucks Syndrome

2012-01-03T11:08:00.000-06:00

I love Starbucks. When a friend introduced me to the delights of chocolate, milk, coffee and whipped cream, I fell hard. And my devotion has never wavered. I love the drive-thrus, the running in mid-morning for a pick-me-up, and the cozy Saturday mornings reading a good book in store.

So when I needed a second job a few years ago, I did what I always advise any out-of-work person, I applied at Starbucks. And was hired. Excited at the chance to be part of a customer's Starbuck's experience, I eagerly donned the uniform green apron.

The job sucked. Not fun at all. Very little interaction with the customers and not anything close to what I imagined. Where as a customer I savored the experience, I now rushed from one task to the other. Many nights I sat in my care before driving home and cried. Every bone connected to my spinal cord hurt.

Plus I came to believe that Starbucks was more than a company, it was a cult. We members wore uniforms, learned a secret language (Starbucks has an acronym for everything) and studied all things coffee. I attended training sessions in a secure room (special code and everything) with an instructor that said "okay" every 15 seconds.

After six weeks I quit. I still love being a customer and, because of the experience, I developed the concept of the Starbucks Syndrome. This syndrome manifests itself when a job I think will be wonderful ends up as an epic fail. I wish I could say working at Starbucks was my only experience with this condition but it isn't.

After law school, I earned the chance to work with one of my idols. The first nine months were wonderful. I loved the work we did. I loved listening to her talk. My other co-workers were funny and caring. Our clients were inspirational. And then the Starbucks Syndrome kicked in and I found my main job to be watering the upstairs plants (it was a home office) with constant direction. Not anything close to what I had imagined. I hung in for nine more months and then left with a glad heart.

Now I'm looking for my next best opportunity. I still believe in dream jobs. I am just a little more realistic in my dreams.

Sixty

2011-11-22T12:30:00.002-06:00

I've been sixty for about five hours now and so far it has been great. I am optimistic about the whole year being great. New opportunities. New places to go. New people to meet. And more time with Miss K.

I Am

2010-10-01T23:22:00.000-05:00

A person who suffers from depression. Major Depression Disorder to be exact and it has had a hold on me for the last eight weeks. Not fun. Not fun at all. Most of the time some external conflict triggers my depression but this time it was just me. We (my doctor and I) thought I was doing so well eight weeks ago that we would try reducing one of my medicines. The one that causes weight gain and we were going to start small, like 13 mg small. After the first week I knew something was wrong but thought I needed more time to adjust to the smaller dose. By the end of the second week, I heard voices and went right back on my regular dose. Things did not improve (except I stopped hearing voices). My doctor and therapist couldn't make sense of how bad I continued to feel. So I visited my family doctor's PA and found out my thyroid wasn't working. That was two weeks ago. Since then I have been on my regular dose of antidepressants plus an slight increase in one plus Ambien plus synthroid plus an antibiotic because I also have a kidney infection.

Monday I knew I was improving. Tuesday dawned joyous and remained that way. Wednesday I couldn't stay awake and Thursday I felt a little desperate. Today was better - not as good as Tuesday but better than the other days. I hope I continue on the uphill climb.

Generations

2010-09-28T06:53:00.000-05:00

My children are very close to my mother. In fact, Grackie (as they call her) has a very special place in the hearts of all of her grandchildren. She deserves it because she has unconditionally loved all of them. Now there are great-grandchildren and, while I cannot speak for the ones in Georgia, I know that her Texas grandchild is equally in love with her. All trips for Kadyn are "trips to Grackie" and she is so excited when she finally is at Grackie's house. They have their own little games they play - like picking up rocks in the front yard and stacking the green marble coasters.

I'm glad these three are in my life.

Roller Coaster Again

2010-03-22T17:49:00.000-05:00

Great job opportunity is back on! If you know me, you will understand that this kind of stuff seems to be normal for me.

Onward and Upward

2010-03-22T07:04:00.001-05:00

For one week, I had my post-law school dream job. Then the offer was rescinded but in such a way that I am still optimistic. Can't wait to see what comes next.

Heavy

2009-10-28T19:07:00.002-05:00

The weight returned. I am so tired and so worried about my job future and so ready for classes to be over. And it is gray outside.

Monday

2009-10-20T00:30:00.000-05:00

Since school started, I have struggled with a sense of sliding down into a depression. One week I think it is inevitable (I have a history) and the next week I think maybe I'm okay. Often a slump scares me because I worry that the slump turns into a slide and then I'm down in the gray abyss of a depression.

This morning I woke up and felt a weight lifted. I felt more clear headed than I have in two months. I felt more productive (and therefore I was) and more able to cope (so I did). For a Monday, it was a great day.

A hard job

2009-10-16T23:54:00.001-05:00

It wasn't until I became a mother (of course) that I began to fully understand how hard a job that is. To be so responsible for so much for someone so young. And then when I became a single working parent (again, of course) I gained an ever fuller understanding of how hard the job was.

This isn't to say that it is also the most wonderful job too. It is wonderful, and stressful, and joyful, and messy, and fun. And in the course of raising my three children (none of which were alike or had similar problems so I was constantly facing new issues), I really thought I had experienced most of the hard things. Broken bones, stitches, car accidents, drug use, bad boyfriends, strange and scary illnesses.

But watching my younger daughter grieve is one of the hardest things I've had to do. It has only been six months since Dorian died. For the most part she has been amazing. I think, however, that she is doing well on the outer layers of her life but just a little below the surface, she is in pain. So when she hits a road bump- like being sick, and having problems at work and it is the six month anniversary-she falls apart. I pray all the time. I pray that God helps me know how to care for my hurting child. I pray that God help her move through this sadness and find solace in God's grace. I pray...

Generations

2009-10-15T23:46:00.000-05:00

My mom visited this weekend and we had a great time. Friday night my son was off work and went with us to have pizza and watch the grandbaby entertain us. My two daughters were there too and all of us enjoyed the evening. We managed to do it again on Sunday. To be honest, this is not the norm for us. Usually there is discord. We are not one of those families that are happy to be together every time we are together.

Except my kids put forth a little more effort around their grandmother. She loves them and they love her right back. She maintains great relationships with all of her grandchildren, not just the three that I gave. I know she doesn't always approve of all that they do but she manages to put that aside and shows her love, her pride and support. They love her right back.

She is a good example for me to follow.

Time Flies and Crawls

2009-10-13T15:25:00.000-05:00

Life has been a little schizoid lately. I can't believe that it is already the middle of October while I can't believe it is only the middle of October. Maybe I'm the one with the problem. Maybe it is because October has no holidays recognized by the university or because we have had constant rain. Time crawls during the working hours. Home after class, I turn around and it is midnight.

Randomness

2009-09-23T09:34:00.000-05:00

l. I'm fascinated by the whole subculture of Mormon mommy blogs.
2. Dining out with two chefs is different than dining out with non-chefs. Non-chefs don't worry about egg yolks.
3. One of the most tiring things in the world is an unchallenging, unengaging job.
4. People who sigh all the time drive me crazy.
5. My granddaughter fascinates me.
6.I am seriously addicted to my iphone apps.
7. Fall is a wonderful season.

C to G

2009-09-16T22:37:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was the first graduation meeting. We heard from the deans and received a sheet of paper with all the important dates. I have a hard time believing that law school is almost over. It has been an amazing experience. The people I've met, the professors I've had, the ideas shared and the opportunities provided. I'm still unsure what I will do when I graduate. That will come. I'm going to enjoy this last year.

Sonshine

2009-09-12T23:03:00.001-05:00

My son and I saw Brad Pitt's latest. Both the movie and company were superb!

2009-09-09T20:09:00.000-05:00

Law school is meant to be challenging. But not all challenges have been intellectual. This is the stairwell in our main classroom building. It is smooth and slick with metal edging. Now imagine being loaded down with a rolling laptop case, backpack, and purse at 9:00 pm with a serious fear of falling up. Scary.

4E

2009-09-08T22:48:00.000-05:00

Unsure as to whether to continue blogging, I took the last six weeks off. Then it hit me over the long weekend - this is my last year of law school. What better way to remember this last year than by writing about it.

To say that I have enjoyed law school would be an understatement. I have loved it and have felt truly blessed to have this opportunity. After losing one career, I really struggled to find my place. Going to law school provided me with a sort of "time out." I haven't had to know what I was going to do with my life because, well, I'm in law school. Right now I have a pretty good idea what I am going to be doing through the end of July 2010. After that, who knows.

I can almost make myself sick not having a job as an attorney already lined up. Deep in my heart, I would love to find the one perfect attorney position and work at it for the next 12 years. I'm also smart enough to know that probably won't happen and getting sick about it won't help. So I am trying to just really enjoy this last year.

Isn't that what we are supposed to do any way - enjoy life?

12, 7 and 1

2009-07-21T03:37:00.000-05:00

Twelve years ago my life changed drastically. My older daughter and I had a fight and the resulting fallout sent me into a psychic meltdown. I have always suffered from depression but this time was bad. I took a leave from teaching. My mother came to stay with us (I still had two kids at home) and to help while I was treated. Last summer I suffered from anniversary anxiety and had a difficult time. This summer is so much better.

Seven years ago school started without me. My teaching career had imploded. I was hurting because I felt that teaching was my way to use my God-given gifts. I struggled to imagine a life of without students.

One year from now I will be studying for the bar. It is hard to imagine that I have just two semesters of law school left. The party is being planned. Not only to celebrate my law school graduation but to mark how far I've come from 12 and 7.

Recommendations

2009-06-30T21:47:00.000-05:00

Two books -
Wednesday's Sisters
The Book Thief

Let me know what you think.

Sleepover at Grandma's

2009-06-25T23:20:00.000-05:00

I've talked my daughter into an overnight visit to my house with the grandbaby. They and my grand-dog are coming Friday. I'm so looking forward to this and am planning the evening and the next morning just as I would if they were coming for out-of-town. We may have to stay up all night to get everything done.

First Try Bokeh

2009-06-24T22:55:00.000-05:00

After having my camera (a digital Kodak Z-type) for over a year, I finally figured out how to change the aperture, shutter speed and anything else that could be changed. I think I've achieved bokeh!

Impressed & Distressed

2009-06-23T23:45:00.001-05:00

Since the end of May (and until July 9th), I've had a second job. I'm the evening administrator for Barbri's bar exam review course. On an average night, there are 20-25 regulars. Occasionally we will have an influx of day students who want either to repeat a lesson or listen to one so they can skip a weekend.

With one year left and not being an auditory learner, I'm not really listening to the DVD lectures. Instead I watch the students and then read fiction (yes, books with plots instead of cases). Many of my evening students impress me.

One guy is preparing for a third time to take the bar exam. Last year he missed passing by one point! He always speaks to me and shares what he has learned about the exam and grading with anyone who asks. He impresses me. I'm not sure I would try again after two failures. He exemplies the saying that something is only a failing if it stops you from moving on. I'm hoping he passes.

There is an older attorney who is trying to regain his license. An woman who was an attorney in New York until she fell in love with a Texan. She has been a stay-at-home mom for the past eleven years and now that she is divorced, she wants to pass the Texas Bar. Another young woman also moved here for love after practicing in Alabama for five years. Texas requires a longer period before offering reciprocity.

Most of my evening regulars work a full day and then come to the class. And then go home and study. It is not an easy thing they do.

While most of the day students who visit the evening session are equally studious and industrious, there have been a group who seem to think they are entitled. They leave the door to the outside open anytime they leave or enter the building. They are loud. They throw things in the trash can from a distance and, when they miss, they leave their trash on the floor. What is distressing about this is that most of these students come from my law school!

After work today

2009-06-20T10:59:00.000-05:00

I'm the evening administrator for the bar review course. It confuses the other people who show up every evening and Saturday afternoon because I'm not listening to the dvds. Since I have another year of law school and am not an auditory learner, I am catching up on fun reading and crossword puzzles.

Before work today I'm dropping stuff off at goodwill and going by Farmer's Market. Then after work, I'm working on my plants and my deck. I may add a water feature so I can have some of these.

Riddle me this

2009-06-12T00:33:00.000-05:00

What do a dead fish and a handshake have in common?

Nothing!

So, Ladies, when you shake hands with someone, do not give them a dead fish. It is appropriate to give a nice, firm handshake.

And, unless you are the Queen, give your whole hand and not just a few wilted fingers.

A Love Affair - Plant version

2009-06-03T23:26:00.000-05:00

I first fell in love with Rose Moss in Liberal, Kansas. My family moved there in the fall of 1958 when I was in the second grade. My parents bought their first house and painted it Sunset Coral. There was a small triangular flowerbed between the driveway, sidewalk and front steps. There my mother planted rose moss. The colors went with the house and I was enthralled with those tiny little roses. Today they fill the stone birdbath in my tiny yard and a little flower bed by the front door. If I could only have one plant, I'm pretty sure I would pick Rose Moss.

Changing places

2009-05-31T11:12:00.000-05:00

Intellectually I know that a win-win solution is the best way to deal with problems. Emotionally, however, I prefer the win-lose method where I stand victorious over my opponent who agrees that I am right. Of course, having my foot on his chest helps him see the light. My son inherited this tendency and our clashes while he was growing up border on the frustrating/ridiculous side. We both liked to have the last word and we both wanted to win. At times I could be the mature one and disengage from this dynamic but, all to often, he would push my button and off we would go.

Once when he was about 8 or 9, I sent him to his room (which was across the hall from mine) and closed the door. I retreated to my room. He kept opening his door to say something and then he closed his door. This went on and on until I finally told him that if he did it one more time, he would lose his door. So of course he did it again and I removed the door.

About this same time, we had a conversation about his tendency to have the last word and he wanted to know what kind of job had the last word and I told him he would have to become a Supreme Court judge to have the last word. From that point on, his goal was to become a lawyer and then a judge. He joined the Explorer troop that worked with our city’s police department and attended the law magnet high school in our district.

Then he went to college and, for a variety of reasons, he became well-acquainted with drugs and alcohol. It was a dark few years for all of us but he came out of it with a new goal – a pastry chef. He is very talented and works hard.

Meanwhile I had a career change and now I’m the one in law school. I study and he brings me desserts to sample. Not a bad deal.

A-1

2009-05-31T11:01:00.000-05:00

My grandmother quilted and crocheted her entire life. My grandfather created wooden toys for all of his grandchildren. My mother inherited this creativity. Some of my earliest memories are of her painting. My brother David was an artist. I have some talent and all three of my children are artistic. Here are some of my son’s creations –

He is a pastry chef for a high-end hotel/restaurant. When he lived with me, I loved to watch him draw out his ideas on his sketchpad. If you are a fan of Top Chef, you know how important “plating” is and it does not happen by accident.

I love this kind of art – it tastes so good.

Don't Walk There!

2009-05-21T19:31:00.000-05:00

I love cemeteries, especially the older ones with great headstones. Growing up, we spent many Memorial Day weekends in the small cemetery in my dad's home town. My brothers, cousin Mike and I would run searching for the headstones with the little lambs and baby angels. My grandfather made a cement slab for one friend's grave and we would take turns lying on it. We kept a close eye out for my grandmother who would not have approved. She always warned us to be careful where we walked because it was disrespectful to walk on "someone." To this day, I still try to walk around the grave but in these new perpetual cemeteries, it can be hard to figure out exactly the pathway. I walk and hop my way through the spaces.

In the cemetery in my mother's home town, there is a small, rectangular marker, flat and even with the ground that reads "Poad Nash." I love that name and created this great story about some poor farmer who had lost his whole family to the "summer complaint" and became the town drunk. My maternal grandmother shot down that story by telling me he was just a hard-working bachelor farmer.

Also in that cemetery are the graves of my grandfather's infant brothers and sisters. I think there are five, six or seven buried there. My great-grandmother gave birth to one baby just a few days before the next older one died, only to lose the newborn a few months later. I always marvel over her strength to carry on.

My children grew up going to these old cemeteries as well as the one where my dad and brother are buried. And, for the three years I taught 5th grade, I would organize a day at the very small cemetery that served the early community our school was named after. The students studied math, family trees, creative writing, art with gravestone rubbings, and history surrounded by the dead.

I like to think I just passed on the love for these wonderful spaces. And, yes, I often found myself telling my kids or my students not to walk on there.

Reader'sDigest Mind

2009-05-20T23:09:00.000-05:00

I grew up reading Reader's Digest. My parents subscribed. Both sets of grandparents subscribed. It was everywhere.

And it affected my mind. Besides developing my vocabulary and sense of humor, it caused me to be a plan-maker. Like in the event of a catastrophe plan-maker. Every issue contained a story about a horrific event where someone ordinary became a hero. I believed that if the horrific event could happen to one person, it could happen to me or my family and I needed to be prepared to be the hero(ine). I really can't remember a time when I wasn't worried about something horrible happening. Not that I constantly and only worried about "bad stuff" but I did think about things.

I still make plans. My kids laugh at me because I almost always have a plan A and, at least, a plan B. Without much effort I can develop Plan C.

About a year ago, I finally stopped worrying about scary stuff. The mental light bulb came on and I realized that I have been married, divorced, raised three children with all the joys and heartaches associated with that, found jobs, ended a career, started a new career, lost a brother and a father, started law school, suffered a psychic break, and survived a terrible car accident. I finally felt confident that I had enough experience "dealing" that I could handle whatever life threw at me. Or if I couldn't, I had enough people in my life who could and would help me. A 50-year weight fell off my shoulders.

I still make plans. Wouldn't want my talent to go to waste!

Baby love

2009-05-16T23:53:00.000-05:00

This Big! And full of love.

Rainy Saturday

2009-05-16T13:37:00.000-05:00

A rainy Saturday with not much to do is one of my favorite kind of day. As the day stretches out before me, I feel relaxed and peaceful. Unrushed.
A new book awaits finishing. Saved TV shows ready for viewing. My plants receive water without me doing anything and the temperature cools my home without the use of A/C.

This is the first Saturday that I have felt this rested and peaceful. Let the rain come down.

Six down, two to go!

2009-05-08T20:46:00.000-05:00

Even though I have to finish my two papers, I'm still counting this semester as "done"! And not a moment too soon. It amazes me that I have only two semesters left. This time three years ago I still floated over the fact that I had been accepted to law school and this time next year, I will graduate. I'm going to enjoy this next year.

Beautiful

2009-05-01T23:06:00.000-05:00

Dear NieNie,

If it is possible for a complete stranger to love another complete stranger, then I love you. We have never met and I only know you through your blog and your sister's blog AC. Being new to the blogging world, I was amazed at how clear and distinct your voices were in your blog. I have faithfully followed your recovery and CJane's life ever since. Your last blog truly touched me. I know your physical appearance has suffered great injury. What came through in your last entry and what infused all of your entries BC was the beauty and joy and spirit of your soul. You truly personify true beauty.

Love me.

P.S. If you have not read NieNie blog, go here - http://www.nieniedialogues.blogspot.com/ and then try Cjane enjoy it.

The Former Leader of the Free World

2009-04-30T01:54:00.000-05:00

Today I shook hands with former President George W. Bush. We even had a "moment" where we talked about Midland. His wife and I graduated from the same high school.

Cliches

2009-04-27T21:02:00.000-05:00

Growing up, my parents shielded my brothers and I from death. When I was 8, four cousins died in a truck/car accident but my parents thought we were too young (I was the oldest) to go to the funeral. When my dad's father died, we were living in Venezuela and it was too expensive for all of us to travel back to the States so my dad went alone. My most vivid memory of this time is seeing my dad open a suitcase full of Christmas presents for Customs. My great-grandfather died at the end of my first year of college and, since my brothers were still in school, my parents left me in charge and went alone to Kansas for the funeral.

The first funeral I attended was for my husband's boss who died of lung cancer. I was almost 27 years old.

In the thirty years since then I have attended my fair share of funerals - grandparents, my brother, my father, a student, a co-worker, and several close friends. I know grief is hard and long and unpredictable. I know that when you lose someone you truly love, the missing of that person never completely disappears. There is both healing and pain in that.

I believe in grace and salvation and eternal life and am certain I will be reunited with all those whom I have loved and lost.

My son has never really recovered from my father's death. The two of them had been watching TV together and as my son left the room, my dad gasped and suffered a stroke. For far too many years, my son believed that if he had stayed with my dad, his grandfather wouldn't have died. It has been hard to watch my son struggle with this.

Watching my daughter grieve over the death of her boyfriend is one of the most difficult things I've done. In two days it will be three weeks since he died. Grief is grimy. I shower twice a day and am constantly washing my hands and brushing my death, attempting to clear away the gray film of grief and of helplessness. I cannot take her pain away. All I can do is watch, pray and be available. She must find her way through her pain. I know she will do it and I know it will take time. It is still hard.

A slow return

2009-04-19T10:32:00.000-05:00

Viewing - done
Funeral - done
Out-of-town guest leaving - in process
Throwing out excess food - done
Making to-do list for upcoming week - done

I know that the only way to return from deep grief is to pray and slowly return to a routine and schedule. My daughter is going to work tomorrow. The baby will be in day care. Tomorrow night I will sleep in my own bed. As much as we would like for time to stand still while the grief is so raw, it doesn't and that is a blessing. As much as my daughter grieves over her baby growing up without her father, it is a blessing that the baby will grow up and learn new things that will help my daughter find a way to see the future.

This is a sad time. An end to something that was never complete. And a beginning of something that was never dreamed.

Random thoughts

2009-04-09T14:29:00.001-05:00

Yesterday was hard. Today is too.

For years I've kept a list of things that are hard for mothers to do. Stuff like having children in the hospital and sending them to kindergarten were early entries. Then my brother died so I added having a child die to the list. Then my children became drivers and I have very strong opinions about riding in the car with someone you birthed. That was added to the list. Then watching kids find their way and make poor decisions and trying not to say something found their way to the list.

Now I have a new item. Watching your child grieve over the death of her boyfriend and the father of her child. This is hard. I know that as much help and support I and others can give my daughter, she still must walk this path alone with God's help. Her grief is hers.

Right now I'm remembering passages from Anne Lamott's books. "Right, left. Breathe" is one that helps. Then another about hoping a child can find grace in the midst of hardship. I pray that my daughter can find this.

Tragedy

2009-04-08T11:51:00.000-05:00

My daughter's boyfriend and the father of my beautiful granddaughter died this morning. He was the cause of a horrific car wreck and was killed upon impact. The baby turns 1 tomorrow. Please pray for my daughter.

This afternoon

2009-04-03T01:36:00.000-05:00

She is coming to see me at work.

Then I get to take her home with me where we will play, read and splash in the bath.

On Saturday I will have her most of the day (I wish all of my daughter's friends would get married and ask her to be a bridesmaid!).

Cannot wait!

4/1/09

2009-04-01T18:41:00.000-05:00

As a follow-up to yesterday's post about my brother, I thought I'd share a few of his jokes.

When we lived in Venezuela, David received a bow and a set of steel-tipped arrows (wouldn't happen today) for his 10th birthday. He and my younger brother went out to the open field behind the houses to try them out. A few minutes later my dad went to check on the "boys" and found...David shooting the arrows up in the sky and ordering my younger brother to try to catch them as they came down.

Both of my brothers were high school track stars. (My younger brother was a college track star until he fell in love and dropped out.) David ran cross-country in the fall and would take his practice runs on the less-populated country roads. He ran on the edge of the road (no shoulders, just ditches on either side of the road) and when a car would pass him, he would jump and fall down in the ditch. Most of the time, the car stopped and then backed up to check on the "body." David waited until the car was almost to him and then he jumped up and ran off in the opposite direction.

David's older two kids are the same ages as my younger two. My nephew is three weeks younger than my son and my niece is six months older than my daughter. For Halloween when my niece was almost 18 months old, she showed up outside my parents front door, completely naked and in a pair of her dad's cowboy boots - "puss in boots"!

David's younger son was born in Michigan and in January. To introduce the new fellow to the family, David send a video of the kids and him sledding. The two older kids were in the front and David appeared to be holding the new baby and sitting on the back of the sled. As they came down the hill, they hit a bump and, all of a sudden, the baby is flying in the air and lands in the snow. When we saw that, we all gasped. Then David picked up the baby and unwrapped the blanket to show us it was just a doll. His grin reached from ear-to-ear.

David

2009-03-31T21:50:00.000-05:00

Here's the thing - today is my brother's birthday. Just sixteen months separated our birthdays. I was the big sister. He was the middle child but the first son. I'm not sure I can describe what I was like as a child but I can describe David. He lived an adventuresome life filled with great humor. Before he could talk, he wandered off and picked up by the police. As my dad rushed home to help look for David, he passed the patrol car with his son standing up beside the police officer. He was fine. I was scarred. I was the responsible older sister and he made that job difficult. Not because he resented me but because he didn't have to be responsible. Our family has many "David" stories which make us all laugh.

We were close and yet not. After we came back from Venezuela, David repeated a grade which put three years between us. I was a senior when he was a freshman. He always had friends while I was much more shy and reserved.

David died twenty years ago this June. Even in death, he made people laugh. At the first viewing when my mother, David's wife and my younger daughter were standing by the casket, we began to hear a beeping sound coming from my brother. The alarm on his watch went off. We laughed because that was just something he would have done.

Time helps with grief. The hurt and loss dulls and time passes without constantly having to remember. He would have been 56 today. I wonder if we would have grown closer as we aged.
I wonder if maybe we would have become friends. I wonder and, today, I miss him.

First Day of Law School

2009-03-29T13:41:00.000-05:00

I'm still working on my two papers. Or reworking them. I'm determined to have them finished by Tuesday.

Friday another 3E and I served as chief justices for the 1L's preparation for their moot court. Helping these first years reminded me of my first year and how it was both exhilarating and stressful most of the time.

I should have known it was going to be that way by my first day of classes.

Orientation came two days before the start of class. Free meals and encouragement made those two evenings pleasurable. Then classes started. I left work early to make sure I had plenty of time to make it to class. I had my books, laptop, new highlighters and post-it flags. Before entering the class, I stopped at the restroom. Now this building was pretty old and the bathroom definitely showed its age. I really didn't think too much about as I entered one of the stalls, closed and clicked the door lock, and did what I needed to do. After I finished, I moved the door lever to the open position but it did not move. I was stuck in the stall!

I kept moving that little lever back and forth while pulling on the stall door. The door refused to budge. I was locked in the stall. I kept at it but to no avail. I had my new suit on so crawling under the door was going to be my last option. Plus how would that look to someone coming in.
The sweats started. I dug through my purse for something to use as a tool.

There is a reason I carry a Swiss Army knife. I pulled it out and used the larger blade to slip the bar all the way to the open position. Success! Now free and thankful that no one had entered the restroom during my struggle, I headed off to class. It could only be uphill after that start.

In my fridge

2009-03-22T15:53:00.000-05:00

Two gallons of a water and orange juice mixture plus a gallon of orange juice. This is the secret elixir of my weight loss.

Two Questions

2009-03-18T23:12:00.001-05:00

On every personality quiz I've ever taken, I am an introvert. Years of being "shy" made this no surprise to me. Although I have learned how to cope in extroverted settings, I love being home alone with my books, Suduko and TV. I know all the rules for meeting new people but it is still something I dread. I prefer to observe other people meeting the new person and then take some time to decide if I want to know the new person. One, no two, reasons introductions are hard are the questions.

l. Is that your real name?

My first name is unusual. It is only 4 letters long and is easy but no one gets it the first time. For many years, I used to automatically spell my name after I introduced myself. I don't do that as often and once I tell people it is like oklaHOMA and not Houma, Louisiana, they get it. (Except for the Iranians who know what it is right away but then I have to explain that I'm not of Persian descent) Then they want to know if that is my real name. I've never really figured that out. If I were to pick a nickname, don't you think I'd go for something easy and common and that didn't need a geographical explanation?

2. Where are you from?

After 57 years, I still don't have a good answer for this. I'm not really from anywhere specific. My parents lived in a small northern Kansas town when I was born but I was born in the northern Oklahoma town (and no, I wasn't named after the state) where my parents had lived for the first six months of my mother's pregnancy. I never lived in the town where I was born. My parents moved around quite a bit after my dad stopped teaching and began working in the oil field. Until I was married, the two places where we lived the longest was the Halliburton camp in Venezuela and Hays, Kansas. I've been in Texas over 40 years now and in the DFW area for almost 29 years but I am not now or ever will be a Texan. So most of the time, my answer to this question is "Western Kansas"

By the time I finish with these two questions, I need a rest.

Steppin'

2009-03-17T23:26:00.000-05:00

I did it! I walked 10,000 steps today.

Maturity

2009-03-16T21:51:00.000-05:00

Spring Break ended last night which means classes resumed today. On MW I have one class that begins at 7:50. Usually I stay on campus because if I come home, I don't want to go back out. So I just try to avoid the temptation. Tonight, however, I came home, ate dinner, changed out of my work clothes and into my jeans, set the dvr and then WENT BACK for my class.

Spring Planting

2009-03-15T00:44:00.000-05:00

For the first time in my life I bought two plants that will produce edible products. Two small jalapeno pepper plants help me enter the world of gardening. I also bought two lavender plants and mint. Plus marigolds, hens and chickens, and a dusty miller. I still have the fountain and the front patch to plant. I also have two large clay pots that I am going to use for my first foray in container gardening. On my fence hang several planters but I'm not quite sure what to do with them. This face belongs to a terracotta planter hanging on my
fence but I'm not quite sure what to plant in her. I don't want to detract from her medieval qualities.

The area I have to plant is just about the right size for me. I have a small deck and then a small yard. I don't want to put down anything permanent so I'm content with containers. I am thinking about a rose plant, just to see if I can do that. Rose moss goes in the fountain, unless I decide on begonias. Then the rose moss will go in the front garden patch. Many of my plants from last year survived so I moved them to the deck. Just in time for the torrential downpour we've had for four days. I don't think any of them drowned but will have to wait and see. I also bought some seeds and can't wait to plant them. It has been a long time since I planted any seeds.

I just hope they all live.

Bridge Ladies Rock

2009-03-11T19:55:00.000-05:00

My friends, the Bridge Ladies, came to my house last night. Joy, happiness and laughter filled my small home. Bridge Ladies rock!

Scary Jesus

2009-03-08T11:07:00.000-05:00

I grew up with images of Jesus as a man with flowing golden brown hair and beard, blue eyes and very WASPish face. While I know now that this is neither culturally or politically correct, it is still my go-to image.

At our church, there is a new image of Jesus made available to the young people. It is a huge statute of him in a paved garden area with a water feature behind him. The statute was placed first and it was gigantic. Everyone said it would be in proportion once the hardscape and landscape was built around him. It is still huge. To me the statute looks more like Gandolf from

the Lord of the Rings. Any way, let me present "Scary Jesus!"

2009-03-06T17:59:00.000-06:00

After listening to the California Supreme Court's hearing on the validity of proposition 8 and/or gay marriages (whichever way you want to look at it) off and on yesterday. And then discussing it in one my law classes, I have something to say on the subject.

Granting the right to have a marriage to a gay couple is not a threat to the traditional notion of marriage.

Divorce is.

And if you think that by preventing gay couples from marrying, you will not have discuss such relationships with your children, you are wrong. Gay couples raising children is a fact of life now and will be part of your children's future. I think it would be better to raise children to believe that when you love someone, you formally commit to a life together.

End of 2 and beginning of 3

2009-03-02T20:00:00.000-06:00

When I woke on Sunday, I felt a sense of peace and joy that I had again survived February. February has always been my least favorite month. Not because I'm single and February is the "love month" (I love Valentine's Day) but because I am almost always broke by the time February rolls around. My children have birthdays in November (1) and January (2) which bookcase Christmas. My mother's birthday is also in January. This year I had a granddaughter to buy for - in fact, she may have been the only one to receive store-bought gifts. I made most of my gifts this year but supplies cost. Now that I am in law school and working for the university, I pay taxes on my tuition benefits out of my last six pay checks of 2008. (I know, I am going to feel so good when I graduate without law school debt!) Joyful, peaceful and grateful that another February had been survived.

My happiness lasted until my Sunday school class reminded me that DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME starts on Sunday.

Ugh! It takes me days (weeks) to adjust the springing forward. So I am going to be really happy until 2:00 am March 8th.

How to Go to Law School in your 50's

2009-02-28T22:19:00.001-06:00

l. Have a career you love end.

2. In therapy try to come up with Plan B. And pray

3.Go to paralegal school.

4.Get hired by a major law firm as a legal assistant.

5.Realize after 6 months you don't really know the law.

6. Have a young associate suggest law school.

7. Go to an orientation for the evening program at nearest law school.

8. Audit a class to see if it is like Paper Chase

9. Notice three students in front of you - one is playing solitaire on his laptop and the other two are IM'ing each other.

10. Decide that you can at least do that much.

11. Keep your plans secret. Except in prayer

11. Study for the LSAT on your own because the classes cost too much. Pray.

12. Take the LSAT. Pray

13. Wait for scores. Still praying

14. Scores are good enough to justify the application fee.

15. Ask for two reference letters.

16. Complete application and struggle with one essay but therapist helps. So does praying

17. Send in application and check.

18. Wait two months for acceptance.

19. Acceptance letter doesn't come when expected.

20. Wait one more day and then call admissions.

21. Name is on the list - accepted! Pray gratitude

22. Wait two more days - still no letter so call again just to verify you heard right.

23. Put away the Peace Corps brochures.

24. Begin floating! And praying.

Beginning of irony

2009-02-28T22:15:00.000-06:00

The day I received my parking permit for here (law school garage), I also recieved my membership card for AARP!

From the Single File - WOW socks

2009-02-22T00:27:00.000-06:00

I bought myself a pack of six pair of white crew socks. New white socks always reminds me of the difficult time I had keeping my own socks while raising my three kids.

My first two children are two years apart and then the space between my middle child and my last child is two years and ten months. So they spent much of the growing up involved in the same activities. All three of them played soccer in the spring and base/softball in the summer and eventually came a period where they (and I) could all wear the same size socks. I bought the twelve pack of white long crew socks with the idea that we could each have three pair.

Somehow I never ended up with clean white socks. The ones the kids wore had ground-up dirt from the fields and I didn't especially want to wear those, even after they had been washed in bleach. The next time I bought a twelve pack, I wrote MOM in big, black permanent marker letters on the sole of my three pair. I figured no tween and young teen would want to wear MOM socks. My socks still disappeared! I looked through the laundry, the sock orphanage, and then began to ask if any of the three had my socks. All of them denied it. It was a mystery.

I kept looking and asking but my MOM socks were no where to be found. Until one evening, when we were finally home from the games and the kids were cleaning up. My older daughter was in the shower and my son was on the sofa. He had taken off his shoes, placing them carefully side-by-side in the middle of the living room, and was clicking through the TV channels.

My younger daughter walked through and then called, "Mom, I found your socks." I stepped out of the kitchen to see her pointing to her brother's feet. He had on my MOM socks.

"Why are you wearing my socks?"

"I'm not," he replied with great confidence. "I'm wearing my socks."

"No, you have on my MOM socks."

He looked at his feet and then he said, "I thought it said WOW for being a great player."

He kept the socks.

Steppin'

2009-02-20T22:35:00.000-06:00

For the first week of my new diet/lifestyle changes, we weren't to start an exercise regime. After two days, I know why. Drinking the water/oj mixture all day long leads to many trips to the restroom. Just today I've walked over 7000 steps and I know most of those were to go to the restroom!

Someone else taking important steps is the Baby. She took her first steps today. I can't wait to see her.

New Start

2009-02-18T22:57:00.000-06:00

One thing I miss about teaching is the number of times you can start new. There is the traditional New Year's Day but then, if you teach high school kids as I did, there are the start of two new semesters. I probably made more resolutions for the start of the new terms than I did for the new year.

Today I am making another new start. For the first time in my life, I am participating in a weight-loss/redesign your life program. My employer is sponsoring (and paying) for this and I was one of the ones who was accepted into the program. The instructor made a great deal of sense and I really feel that this program will work for me. I would like to lose all the weight that I've gained over the last twenty years and return to a more attractive size and a more active lifestyle.

After all, I have a granddaughter to watch grow!

Baby Love

2009-02-12T10:40:00.000-06:00

This little one is ten months old. She is amazing and has already worked miracles in her short life. She has brought family members closer together. The joy she has added to my own life is immeasurable. Being a grandmother to this child is such a gift.

Already behind

2009-02-07T01:00:00.000-06:00

Classes started 1/8. I missed two days (3 classes) due to illness and then 3 days (5 classes) to be with my mother following her surgery. This weekend I am playing catch-up. For my writing class, I have to read all of the handouts from the last two weeks plus working on my project so I can talk intelligently about it on Tuesday. Plus reading in my two other classes.

Then as is wont to be, I have social engagements this weekend. I go weeks in between my social activities and then cram them all into one short period. Tomorrow is a brunch with my bridge group and a former member. Tomorrow night I babysit my granddaughter (may sound like a true social engagement but it is one of the best kinds). On Sunday I have church and then a small belated birthday celebration for my son.

Strangely enough, I will get more done with this kind of schedule than if all I had to do was study. I kind of need the adrenaline rush of having too much to do in too short of time. Way more challenging. It makes more aware of how critical it is that I use my time well. When all I have to do is study, I keep thinking I have so much time that I postpone any real work. It is the same way with housework. If that is all I have to do, well, it won't get done. But if I have other work to do then everything gets done.

Hello

2009-02-04T20:27:00.000-06:00

I've decided to join the blogging world. I've spent the last several months avidly reading blogs and I think I can do this. Do I think people will find me interesting? Not sure but I know that my life keeps me busy. I'm a fifty-seven law student, former teacher, Methodist, emancipated mother of three grown children, grandmother of one, administrative assistant, daughter, friend, reader, movie-goer, and TV-fan. My life is not what I thought it would be but several years ago a fight with my older daughter rocked my world and then six years ago, my teaching career imploded. Major therapy ensued and finally after years of wanting my life back - of trying to get the new pieces to go into the old puzzle. I realized that what I really wanted was a new puzzle. Since then I have been reinventing my life. Law school helps me filter the burdens from my life. The times when I think I'm going to wake up on the Jerry Springer show come less often. Life is good.