Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Heavy

The weight returned.  I am so tired and so worried about my job future and so ready for classes to be over.  And it is gray outside.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Monday

Since school started, I have struggled with a sense of sliding down into a depression.  One week I think it is inevitable (I have a history) and the next week I think maybe I'm okay.  Often a slump scares me because I worry that the slump turns into a slide and then I'm down in the gray abyss of a depression. 

This morning I woke up and felt a weight lifted.  I felt more clear headed than I have in two months.  I felt more productive (and therefore I was) and more able to cope (so I did).  For a Monday, it was a great day.

Friday, October 16, 2009

A hard job

It wasn't until I became a mother (of course) that I began to fully understand how hard a job that is.  To be so responsible for so much for someone so young.  And then when I became a single working parent (again, of course) I gained an ever fuller understanding of how hard the job was. 

This isn't to say that it is also the most wonderful job too.  It is wonderful, and stressful, and joyful, and messy, and fun.  And in the course of raising my three children (none of which were alike or had similar problems so I was constantly facing new issues), I really thought I had experienced most of the hard things. Broken bones, stitches, car accidents, drug use, bad boyfriends, strange and scary illnesses.

But watching my younger daughter grieve is one of the hardest things I've had to do.  It has only been six months since Dorian died.  For the most part she has been amazing.  I think, however, that she is doing well on the outer layers of her life but just a little below the surface, she is in pain.  So when she hits a road bump- like being sick, and having problems at work and it is the six month anniversary-she falls apart.  I pray all the time.  I pray that God helps me know how to care for my hurting child.  I pray that God help her move through this sadness and find solace in God's grace.  I pray...

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Generations

My mom visited this weekend and we had a great time.  Friday night my son was off work and went with us to have pizza and watch the grandbaby entertain us.  My two daughters were there too and all of us enjoyed the evening. We managed to do it again on Sunday. To be honest, this is not the norm for us.  Usually there is discord.  We are not one of those families that are happy to be together every time we are together.

Except my kids put forth a little more effort around their grandmother.  She loves them and they love her right back.  She maintains great relationships with all of her grandchildren, not just the three that I gave. I know she doesn't always approve of all that they do but she manages to put that aside and shows her love, her pride and support.  They love her right back.


She is a good example for me to follow. 

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Time Flies and Crawls

Life has been a little schizoid lately.  I can't believe that it is already the middle of October while I can't believe it is only the middle of October.  Maybe I'm the one with the problem.  Maybe it is because October has no holidays recognized by the university or because we have had constant rain.  Time crawls during the working hours.  Home after class, I turn around and it is midnight.